Heaven Hi!

I’ll have a masala tea…very hot and very strong. My son, Will, and I just got back from a business trip in India and boy was it a trip. Here is an email that Will sent to his friends that really tells it as it is…

Namaskar homies!

Before we get started, let me tell you a few funda things about India. The driving here is mind boggling…it’s like the Jetsons. The honking is incessant. There are no lanes and you are constantly centimeters away from crashing into an overcrowded bus, or a 3 wheel taxi or a moped with three people on it (two of which are helmetless babies) but it never happens, accidents are extremely rare. Nevertheless, my Dad and I are constantly slamming our feet on the imaginary brake…even in our sleep. Now let me tell you about Indian dining, the cuisine is delectable, half the time I don’t know what I’m eating and I don’t care. The table manners in India leave much to be desired, everyone is hunched over their food with both elbows on the table pushing mushy food around with their hands and shoveling it into their faces, talking and gesticulating with mouths full and food covering their hands…even though the food is so tasty, at times I lose my appetite. And…..oh ya, I can officially poop fire. Other than that, Bangalore is a hustling, polluted city where everyone wobbles their heads to and fro, has names that my Dad can’t pronounce and is filled with polite, intelligent, accommodating people (many of which have lazy eyes for some reason) who are taking very good care of us.

With that out of the way…Friday was a jetlag blur, so I’m gonna pretend like it never happened. On Saturday we woke up early and went to the hotel gym, we both felt we needed some physical activity after traveling for 28 hours straight. Everything in the gym was busted, except for one of those health rider pelvic thrusting devices from the 90′s…so I went town on that. Afterwards, we met up with our host, Ramasubramanium (who my Dad has fondly nicknamed Rambo) and Mohan (a long time friend of my Dad’s) for breakfast at the hotel buffet. The service in this country is overwhelming at times, they bend over backwards to please you. Over breakfast Mohan philosophizes about the difference between a man and a human, legal vs. lawful, fact and fiction, about how the government is a political financial enterprise, about how a twenty dollar bill is not money, it’s 20 units of negative human energy and how as a man you must claim ownership of you life property. He speaks in riddles…I listen and repeat what he says and he feels I understand him.

After breakfast, Ram drives us to the auditorium where the EN101 presentation will take place on Sunday. The power is out in the building so Nadim (the M.C) does a technical run through in the dark, we can’t stay for long because there is a child’s birthday party that they need to set up for. We talk business over the sound of inflating balloons, then Ram drives us hotel bumping Ravi Shankaar the whole way. After a nap, Dad and I go to a sexy hotel pool party. We eat hors d’oeuvre and drink vodka tonics. The D.J. plays Micheal Jackson and I can’t contain my urge to dance…I made many friends that night.

Sunday is the day of the big India EN101 launch seminar. We arrive at the lecture hall and hour early and realize no one is prepared. My Dad and I sit on stage for a half hour while people slowly shuffle in…maybe fifty at most. We light candles to bless the ceremony and they welcome us with Sandal and Garland (flowers and itchy paper necklaces)…we look like Indian beauty queens. The first half of the presentation is one blunder after another. The combination of Ram running tech and Nadim as M.C. could put someone on speed to sleep. They succeed at making a simple educational language software (that mind you, is designed for kids to use) look like rocket science. Finally my Dad and I do our song and dance, Mohan philosophizes about the binary system and the whole market plan and the day is saved. We answer lots of questions, take 600 photographs and shake many hands. The gods must be smiling on us…because thirty people join. We head back to the hotel, change out of our monkey suits and hit the town to unwind. The hotel arranges for a car to take us to this HiFi restaurant/bar called Sarkand. The restaurant is lit only by candles and blue neon lights, glass bottles line the walls and there is a D.J. spinning techno remixes of Madonna, Cher, George Micheal…etc. We delight in a pitcher of King Fisher beer and a mixed platter of prawns, lamb, chicken, fish, beets, onions, garlic naan, a variety of chutneys and a Moroccan lamb pizza. We pay $80 for a meal that easily would have cost us $200 in the states. We head back to the hotel and uh-oh…we are out of toilet paper…I’m gonna have to finish this later…

Stayed tuned for more of Will and Thom’s wacky adventures in India…Be BOP!